_________

04.12.2007
11:48pm

i've resolved to actually get out there and live my life instead of writing about it in this blog.

cheers.

_________

04.05.07
1:43am

that's the thing about emotions: just when you think you've got them sorted out -- or, at least, subdued -- something reminds you that life is full of surprises... and that plans are only one direction in which the world can take you.

_________

03.25.2007
3:45pm

i love new york.

i often complain that the side of the state from which i hail is significantly less awesome than the city bearing the same name, in which i would prefer to spend my time, but now that i'm en route to the upstate region, i'm surprisingly excited to get there. there's something comfortable and familiar about the sights, sounds, and people i experience while roaming through my ol' hometown. i'm going to be there in a few hours, and i honestly can't wait. but first, a beautiful boy (mark wahlberg) and a beautiful girl (ember swift).

at the gym this morning, i saw a commercial for quizno's subs, in which two women were discussing the incredible meat that was on their sandwiches. "packed with so much meat," they declared, "which is just what a real woman needs." oh, right! silly me, i must not be a real woman. and frankly, i'm glad, if the "real" designation means that i have to consume a product that not only entails the immense suffering and murder of nearly fifty billion animals each year, but also increases my risk for cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity. yeah. i'll gladly remove myself from those ranks.

_________

03.14.2007
5:01pm

why is ''thank you'' such a difficult phrase for people to say?
why is happiness so elusive?
why is it impossible for people to consider a different view of the world, or at the very least, not to degrade those views when they are presented?
why does love have to be secreted away instead of celebrated?
why does the sunset over the water in providence have to be so breathtaking when i don't have anyone to share it with?

if it weren't for the weather -- and the fact that i got to enjoy it all day -- i'd be a cranky gal today. oh well. tomorrow is on its way.

you've got wits,
you've got looks,
you've got passion,
but are you brave enough to be with me tonight?

_________

03.12.2007
10:02pm

i tried to shed some negativity and cleanse my inbox of far away things i was holding onto for dear life, but, like the beaten pup, i came crawling back to those memories and kind words, as bad for me as they may be.

today i had to get a housekey copied, and to do so i had to walk through the linens 'n' things to get to the home depot. being assaulted by window treatments, framed artwork, lawn furniture, and model kitchens made me realize how desperately i want a house. to own a house is kind of an abstract concept in my mind that represents control and stability and an end to this discontent. i am about the most unsettled person i know and, consequently, being a homeowner is light years away. but a girl can walk amongst the aisles of paint chips and linoleum tiles and dream, can't she?

_________

03.12.2007
12:09am

i pledge to no longer allow people to get away with shit that they shouldn't.

is it possible to develop some semblance of self-respect if one did not have any during the formative years of her life?

last night, amongst the plates piled high with vegan potluck dinner and the laughter and the dozen or so friends who had come to share the evening, my housemates and i committed to non-renewal of our lease for next year. i am grateful for the opportunities to have lived here and to meet the incredible people that call the easton street house their home, but it is time to move on. now, i just need to figure out where it is that i will be moving on to. and how i'm going to get my bed back down the third floor stairs.

the notion of packing and moving after yet another one-year lease expires is enough to send me crawling into bed, but the excitement of finding myself in a new location (and spending significantly less money simply to survive) keeps me from doing just that. and anyway, i have several months before i actually have to deal with the repercussions of my decision to move, so maybe i'll just ignore it until the absolute last possible moment.

i doubt i'll stay in boston. it's just too expensive, and i'm never in town for enough time to actually enjoy what the city has to offer. i'll still be kicking ass for the animals until next may, so i'll have to stick around the new england area... but that's the only parameter set for my hunt for housing. otherwise, i'm basically looking for somewhere (and the someone(s) living there) that will embrace my veganism and my cats and my love for marathon viewings of ''sex and the city''.

excitement? adventure? here i come.

but until i head out for good, i will cherish evenings like this one, in which i eschewed packing my bags in favor of dinner, a movie, and good conversation. another pledge i am making is not to allow myself to get too excited about things when they are new and uncertain, but in this case, it seems too good to not shout from the rooftops.

well i can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound
and you haven't called me in weeks
and honestly, it's bringing me down.
i feel like i wouldnt like me if i met me.

_________

03.09.2007
1:30am

i. am. so. stupid.

revelation #10: the only person in the world who will ever be looking out for my best interests is me.

so for all the others, who think they're pulling the wool organic, hand-spun, cruelty-free linen over my eyes; for those who profess to be "saving me" from my mistakes but are only plotting how they can become the next or somehow seeking revenge for their own; for everyone who thinks that i am pretty but naive and plans to take full advantage; for those who don't realize i have the brain for solving puzzles and can see, with remarkable clarity, when i'm just a pawn or another notch or a part of a bigger, dangerous pattern:

you? yeah. you can fuck off.

by the way, i got my callback. in fact, i owned that callback. and i think, from now on, i'll be sticking to what i know.

and everything with wings is restless, aimless, drunk and dour
the butterflies and birds collide at hot, ungodly hours
and my clay-colored motherlessness rangily reclines
come on home, now! all my bones are dolorous with vines

_________

03.09.2007
1:26pm

man. i left THE PERFECT voicemail -- clear, concise, friendly, funny and charming, but still casual -- and still, no callback. what the hell. i hate these games we play.

_________

03.04.2007
12:04am

in just twelve hours, i'll be on the road again. (well, okay. twelve hours is a bit ambitious of me; that assumes that i actually get up at a reasonable hour, go to the gym, shower, load up my car, and manage to convince the cats to go peacefully into their carriers before noon.) just when i was finding my footing here at home, i have to pack up and leave it again -- this time for what will essentially be two full months. i'm not sure if i've got the fortitude to live out of a backpack for that long. thankfully, the journey is broken up a few times by pit stops back in boston to sleep in my own bed and enjoy food that wasn't prepared weeks in advance.

don't get me wrong: it's going to be an incredible trip. i'll be staying in some of my favorite cities in the northeast with some of the most wonderful inhabitants of each metropolis. along the way, i'll get to attend a few vegan potlucks, a book release party/cupcake-eating contest, and numerous presentations and consortiums on animal welfare. some of my trip will be spent in my western new york hometown, so i'll get to see my mom and old friends. and of course, i'll be doing good work for the animals along the way. my bags are packed, my food is prepped -- i'm excited to be making the trek.

i got myself in the right mindset for travel today by zooming around the streets of boston in my car, windows down, wind blowing, and stereo blasting. it was nearly sixty degrees outside, with more sun in just this one afternoon than i've seen in the past week. people were wearing shorts; i had on my sunglasses and was singing loudly to the fantastic cd that came in the mail today with love from iowa. i'm grateful for days like this, on which my spirit gets imbued with a sense of freedom that i don't usually permit myself. the plight of animals in this country (of which i am constantly thinking) is so dire; working with it and facing its reality everyday, my heart gets mired in sadness and heaviness. just feeling the breeze and the sun on my skin was enough to rejuvenate me, at least to fight another day.

all these demons we have, they're only as strong as we allow them to be. bad dreams, misery from the past, fears of the future: i'm choosing to ignore them all in favor of savoring each moment of the present. getting knocked down only serves as an opportunity for you to get back up again, stronger than ever. and once you're back on your feet, you can work toward achieving (acquiring?) exactly what it is you want.

my sights are set on happiness. i've never felt so sure of something in my life.

all the things i dont want
they're full of love and longing
take me by the hand and tell me
you would take me anywhere.

_________

03.01.2007
1:12am

i got on the subway today at copley and got off on cloud nine. okay, now, jenna. don't fuck this one up.

_________

02.21.2007
6:31pm

the next few days (weeks?) promise to be a whirlwind while i finish my tour/join a bike gang/participate in several studies to make extra money/finally get back to boston and crash for several straight days/prepare for yet another tour. i don't know that i'll have a chance to update this blog for a while. it is kind of embarrassing to have the last-known update of my supposedly meaningful prose to be all about my breasts, so i guess i should put something else in here for the time being.

but, on a day like today, i have no words. i can only sit here, reading celebrity blogs and eating dates until i can call it late enough to go to sleep (without seeming weird to the rest of the house full of people who actually act their ages), trying to avoid anything resembling a thought.

well, in the spirit of celebrity gossip:
spotted: 2/21/2007. worcester, massachusetts. phil and deb making more trouble than either of them are prepared to handle.

i could pretend that it was finally spring today; i almost believed that the sun and the warmth and the comfort were here to stay.

if only i don't bend and break
i'll meet you on the other side
i'll meet you in the light
if only i don't suffocate
i'll meet you in the morning when you wake

_________

02.20.2007
1:50pm

i think i'm losing weight in my chest. my bra fits more loosely than it has in the past, and last night i was hanging out in just a tank top (something with those of us who are well-endowed in the upper torso are usually not wont to do) and felt remarkably comfortable. i'm sure it's a combination of my raw diet and a recently renewed motivation for strength training, but... why would my body cannibalize fat from my breasts before going after my stomach? doesn't it know how hotness works?

_________

02.20.2007
12:10am

see, my problem is that i'm too smart for my own good. i know that sounds incredibly pretentious, but i mean it. i think i am so worldly and so much more intelligent than the majority of people whose paths cross mine, but the truth of the matter is that i can be played for a fool just as easily as all the rest. i've got so little experience under my belt, and all the novels and periodicals (did you like how i spelled ''periodicals'' incorrectly in the entry about how smart i am? slick.) in the world can't prepare me for real life.

i am twenty-one years old. how much living do i really think i've done? i don't know the right questions to ask. the warning signs barely register on my radar. i am quite good at playing make-believe (that must be from the years of stage acting), but really, i don't know what i'm doing at all. i exist in a bubble, and that attitude has certainly gotten me into trouble before; no doubt it will get me into trouble again.

so, how many times is it going to take? how many times am i going to go out on a limb only to realize that i'm standing on it alone? how many times am i going to have to get all sloppy before i discover, as per usual, that i am way out of my league?

i have no concept of money. no ability to trust. no grasp on reality. life doesn't play out like a beautiful quote or a heartrending lyric or an episode of a silly tv show (of which i watched several episodes this evening, and no, i'm not that ashamed).

it's a good thing i don't drink, because i allow myself to get intoxicated by plenty of other things. i wonder if when the source of your inebriation is actually alcohol, do you also have these fleeting moments of regret and realization that just really fucking kill your buzz?

life, as i know it, is a ridiculous conundrum in which i don't fit nicely into any of the categories to which i could conceivably belong. i feel so out of place in my own skin. i just want to be content, but as i've expressed several times over the years, at this very same web address, i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will.

it's after midnight now. the sun has set on today's adventures and experiences and emotions. i don't have to be happy anymore. tomorrow, mes amis, always brings something new to slog through.

i've waited hours for this,
i've made myself so sick
i wish i'd stayed asleep today.
i never thought this day would end,
i never thought tonight could ever be
this close to me.

_________

02.16.2007
1:11am

it's the little things that let me know things are just fine. it's the little things that make me smile to myself. it's the little things that send a shiver up my spine, different from the kind you get when you step out into the winter night.

i'm so grateful for the little things, even if they're probably not really intended for me.

_________

02.15.2007
4:01pm

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." - henry david thoreau

new england has been covered in a veritable blanket of ice and snow over the past twenty-four hours, and i am having trouble finding the motivation to do anything more than lay in my bed and try to stay warm. i slept like a hibernating bear today, attempting to start my day no fewer than four times; inevitably, after a few hours of chilly consciousness, i would crawl back under the covers and fade in and out of sleep.

the dreams you have during your third and fourth naps of the day are seriously bizarre. try it sometime. the inexplicable cast of characters and zany situations that my brain provided for me were amusing and disconcerting. i didn't know i had the capacity for those thoughts (think being under siege at the mall with housemates; being tortured by various governmental agencies and waking up to a real feeling of pain in the fingernails that had been pulled out in my dream; zombie relatives from the past... the terrifying list goes on). l'esprit humain -- c'est tres fou, n'est pas?

in the late afternoon, i actually did manage to peel back the sheets that were beginning to develop a permanent imprint of my sleeping form. when i finally did make it outside, i couldn't help but notice the beauty in the icescape. the streets, the sidewalks, the grass, and the rivers alike were all blanketed in several inches of solid arctic coat. lonely trees broke through the crystalline quilt, shivering branches braided with ice. the city was unusually quiet; only the occassional bird who dared to let the frigid breeze carry him to his destination and the dilligent denizens chipping away at the frost with their shovels betrayed the silence.

i do long for spring and the warmth and clarity it promises, but moments like these in the winter sunshine remind me that not everything past september is necessarily bad. but now, after a few hours in that polar world beyond my front door, i am ready to get back into my bed with blankets virtual and otherwise.

and please, if you've got a minute
enjoy this lonely sky with me.
it will swallow us whole
if we'd only let it

_________

02.14.2007
2:01pm

oh, cupid. you are a snarky bastard.

by the way, true love isn't a greeting card. true love is beating the itunes machine: any song i want but can't afford to buy can usually be found in lame, lip-synched video form on youtube. if i play them in another window, i have a great soundtrack but don't have to watch the painful movies that accompany them. ka-ching.

_________

02.12.2007
1:32pm

for nearly five minutes this morning, i didn't feel compelled to wear a jacket in my bedroom! it is sunny and warm(er) here in boston, which is making for a damn-near tolerable day of leafleting.

ah, but, with a great ah-whoom, things are back to the reality in which i usually find myself. mondays are tricky. i'm hoping to shake this perpetual chill with a night of free bowling and lots of music to drown out the infernal noise of my brain.

i don't want to look at photos of your life. i want to be in it.

disappointment. it has a bitter taste, but one that's oh-so-familiar.

it's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves,
the trouble is that you're in love with someone else
it should be me,
oh, it should be me.

your sacred parts, your gateways,
you come along on summer days,
tenderly, tastefully
and so we make time to try to find somebody else

this place is mine.

_________

02.09.2007
11:19am

i'm sitting in a glass-walled library with the sun shining down on my back through the nearest illuminated panel. it's the warmest i've been (and in fact the first time i've removed my jacket, if you discount the hours i spent at the gym last night) in 24 hours. i wonder if the librarians will mind someone taking up semi-permanent residence underneath this carrel?

i've developed a nagging cough that won't seem to go away, no matter how much tea and agave nectar i pour down my throat. as i was walking down my trash-laden street this morning, in clothes i put on before falling asleep last night, covering my cough with hands swathed in ragged pink and brown mittens, i felt like a sad little street urchin.

but, you know what? the sun was shining brightly, the breeze had subsided long enough to make my walk to the train station semi-bearable, and i'm going to spend the duration of my day making a difference in the world. things are okay. no matter what turmoil my heart and mind and extremities are experiencing, it always goes away, leaving this crystalline view of the world behind.

okay, yeah, maybe i'm cheating a little bit: i also have a pair of toe warmers in my shoes, which are keeping my feet extremely toasty. it's easy to feel like all is right with my own little world when there's good music in my ears and pockets of warmth in my sneakers.

i passed a wooden park bench on my walk today that i guess i've never noticed before despite meandering past it hundreds of times. what struck me in particular about the bench was the graffiti scrawled on it in jagged, green ink; i suppose that could be new, and that's why i've never noticed before. either way, it made me smile.

"we all need to love!" it said.

whether it was the impassioned plea of a person tired of the fighting in the world, or the angst-ridden prose of someone whose heart had been broken one too many times, i'm not sure... but its ambiguity -- and its truth -- lends itself well to many situations.

we do. we all need to love.

without getting too hippie on this blog (one month going strong!), i think if we all let more love into our lives -- instead of constantly second-guessing it and dismissing it and criticizing it -- things would show marked improvement. i'm not saying that's the only solution, but i can say from personal experience that i am much more at peace when i'm not fighting what my heart is trying to beat into my brain. maybe the planet would undergo a similar revolution.

the conclusion of this weekend marks one full month of being a raw foodist. i can't believe how quickly it's gone by nor how amazing i feel. i'm deriving most of my calories from dried fruits, which isn't ideal, but i can't stop eating figs and dates and banana chips made in our dehydrator. i guess for the home stretch i'll try to utilize more legumes and sprouted grains. last night i made ''raw thanksgiving'' (for no reason other than because i wanted to, really) with an un-turkey loaf, cranberry sauce, homemade green onion dressing on a big green salad, and carrot-raisin bread for dessert.

you know, maybe my subconscious desire to make a thanksgiving dinner last night was just my brain's way of reminding me that i do have an awful lot for which to be thankful.

i'm further than a mess,
my emotions are just madness.
and everything he said to me was miles from the truth.
the ocean makes a crashing sound,
but i'm so furious.
what seems distant is washing up right here.

_________

01.31.2007
11:01pm

a neighbor of mine called to say that he found ophelia's collar in his yard. if i didn't know any better, i'd say we had a kidnapping situation on our hands! i'd have to brace myself for her whiskers to start appearing in my mailbox, or ransom notes written with her pawprint at the bottom as proof of her existence.

thankfully, my organized cat-kidnapping crime ring fantasies have been squelched: ophelia -- and now, her collar, too -- has been safely returned to my house. her kitty expedition came to an end around midnight on sunday. and clearly the identification tag would have been a huge help if she had been really lost.
< /sarcasm >

so i'm now onto bigger, more worldly concerns: if i eat almond butter by the spoonful, straight from the jar, does that counteract all of the good work i did today at the gym?

i'm so tired. being on tour absolutely wipes me out. i think it's all the driving. i don't like being behind the wheel to begin with, and my job dictates that i do this for hours upon hours and miles upon miles. not even the best audiobooks or showtunes can keep me from getting frazzled on the freeway.

speaking of showtunes (or not), when i like a song, i really like it. as in, won't stop listening to it on repeat. here are a few of my current favorites:
the apples in stereo - same old drag
i have loved the apples since high school, when my friend rob put them on a mixtape for me. and they seem to just keep getting better! watch the adorable, one-take, diy video for this song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8ekaScs-4k
graham coxon - standing on my own again
i can't get enough of this record. the other songs i've heard from graham aren't half bad either. i think if someone bought me this album ("love travels at illegal speeds"), i would probably marry him or her on the spot.
kyle vincent - let me let go
this song is incredible. i had the pleasure of hearing it for the first time live, and once i got my hands on the recording, i was hooked. i know that everyone has had the experience that is described in the lyrics -- which is why it makes such a good song, i think -- but it's the only experience i've had, so it feels like it's being sung about my life. someday i hope that my history is instead categorized by a more upbeat song, but if it has to be anything for now, i'm honored to have kv representing.
earlimart - nevermind the phonecalls
i'm not sure what it is about this song that gets me everytime, but it does. i think it's the husky, hushed vocals, or maybe it's the way that the instruments fit together so well, or maybe i simply appreciate the fact that it's just dance-y enough that i can get away with twirling around in my kitchen to it without being obnoxious and overwhelming.
interpol - next exit
this song is a few years old, but i never actually listened to the interpol album when it was in my house, and so somehow i glossed over this incredible track. i was listening to it (on repeat, obviously) during my mini-meltdown at the tampa airport a few weeks ago. it earned a special place in my heart for helping me get home safely.

i'm halfway through my tour of connecticut. it's been going extremely well so far -- the weather's been not so bad (though the sky exploded, momentarily, in a flurry of snow and bitter winds this afternoon), the people i've met have been incredible, and the rest of the week promises to continue its streak of awesomeness. it's amazing how much easier it is to enjoy myself when i'm not worrying about my cat's safe return.

i have raw cinnamon buns for breakfast tomorrow! i mean, really: could a girl ask for anything more?

my mind's on rewind and quicksand.
i was up all night doing nothing...
i'll make some coffee,
put on some eyeliner
i think i'll find that things are fine
and they're gonna get much finer

_________

01.28.2007
10:20pm

when i'm anxious about something, i write. thus the multitude of entries over the past several days.

this is my last one, i promise.

i'm feeling a lot better now, to tell you the truth: i arrived at my host's apartment around 7:30pm, and he's an amazing person, so i felt instantly at ease. he told me about his recent trip to india and offered me kumquats and figs. tomorrow he is taking me to a capoeira class, which will be an exciting way to get in some physical activity for the day. and now i'm getting some of the email backlog taken care of... or i will be, as soon as i stop scribbling in this blog.

things will work out with ophelia. i've been through this before, and though it sucks to be so far away, i know my housemates are taking care of things. david called to say that he didn't have any good or bad news, but that the neighborhood was sufficiently flyered and that everyone is keeping watch. she has a collar with my phone number, so hopefully someone will nab her if she wanders too far. i just hate the feeling that she's cold and alone right now -- so i choose, instead, to think that she's off on a wild cat adventure, the likes of which she will hopefully never have again.

today, i (re)discovered a quote by henry david thoreau, who was always a literary favorite of mine. i remember reading ''walden'' and ''civil disobedience'' a few years back and just wishing with all of my heart that i could find a solace like thoreau found in walden pond. though it was temporary, i feel like the world is so heavy on my heart sometimes that i would give anything for similar reprieve, no matter how fleeting. our battle is so long and so hard and so seemingly impossible, i often wonder how we can possibly keep it up -- and keep the hope alive -- for long.

these feelings often culminate in a general longing for things to be different; to find myself in a different time and place, a different planet. a wise person once said, ''reality is f'ed up.''

my friend jodi remarked today that she's ''glad i've got my emotions sorted out.'' i'm just glad that i project the image of having my emotions sorted out, because, baby, right now my emotions are so scrambled that i'm not even sure which way is up.

_________

01.28.2007
6:42pm

i woke up feeling really good -- a little weird and a little guilty, i suppose, but mostly really good -- this morning. i was kicking off a week-long leafleting tour on a pretty solid note, the weather in new jersey was absolutely beautiful, and i had gratefully slept in a warm bed instead of my original destination (the cramped, chilly backseat of my car). everything was coming up roses.

and then, my housemate called.

ophelia is on the lam, which effectively brings the percentage of my cats who have gotten out of the house and embarked on a big outdoor adventure extravaganza to 100. hamlet returned in a mere thirty-six agonizing hours, which i thought was bad enough; ophelia is a far more wily and unpredictable bee. i'm genuinely worried that she's not going to come back. and of course, i'm several hundred miles away and have to rely on my responsible roommates to find her and secure her safe return.

and trusting them has worked out so well so far.

i could seriously kick myself. my guilt is palpable, even more so than the fear or worry for her safety. this is the first tour in my employment with vegan outreach on which the cats have not accompanied me. i decided that it would be too much hassle to drag them and their carriers all through the state of connecticut, and now, she's up and disappeared. i should have known better than to let them out of my sight. child protective services will be at my door in no time.

i'm trying my best to remain upbeat, but i feel especially helpless since i'm so far away. one might argue during the hamlet escapade that i was also helpless -- i cried for the entire duration of his grand voyage, while my then-boyfriend and then-housemates scoured the neighborhood, set traps, and printed flyers -- but now i can't even pretend to be a part of the search effort. i called the local humane societies and animal control to put out my feelers, but i pretty much can't do anything until i get home on friday.

hopefully by then, it will be a non-issue.

in other news, i had one of those deeply personal, intense conversations with a friend last night that causes me to go into hyper-self-analysis-overdrive for days afterwards. it has made me concerned about the way i deal with other people, of course especially men. i have serious trust issues and have spent the last five months being oh-so-noncommital about everything and everyone. i won't share my true feelings and i won't let people in, and i'm not sure how to remedy these things. i doubt everything that anyone says to me, writing off kind words and affectionate gestures as nothing more than the motions that guys go through to get what they want from women. and while that does happen sometimes, i have to stop assuming that it's the only way people operate, because i'm going to pass up some seriously genuine, good opportunities. i'll never find love -- i'll never let love in -- if i don't.

i also think i'm developing a complex, in which i fall for all of the wrong people because i'm looking for reparations for the fucked-up non-relationship i had with my own dad. mostly everyone i think i dig is far too old for me. i need to evaluate that pattern and fix it, if it does indeed need fixing.

''why do i fall in love with every[one] i see who shows me the least bit of attention?''

has anyone else noticed that college students hug each other so frequently? kids at universities are always finding different reasons to hug one another, especially at the beginning and end of each semester. i'm a little concerned that one of these days, i'm going to get hit with a misdirected embrace.

god, this is long. i need to go do something productive with my life.

she looked at me and told me
how we're only human beings
and she explained how
we fit perfectly.

_________

01.27.2007
9:32am

it's like i never learn my lesson. am i a fucking blockhead?

i've been the other woman before. i've sat, alone, in the bedroom while he takes a call from her in the other room. i've felt the weird relationship anxiety and fear that can only come from dating someone who's seemingly an inch away from straying -- and you know this because you've been the one to whom he's strayed in the past. and, you know, regardless of how realistic or not any situation in which i may find myself right now may be, if nothing else i should know better than to do this to another person. it's devastating and awful, and i'm better than that.

the wrong ones abound, my friends. so where are the boys who are right for me?

_________

01.26.2007
11:52am

it's -10F here in boston today. if you look out the window, it's kind of beautiful: there's a lot of sunshine, just a smattering of snow on the ground, and the occassional snowflake drifting down to join the others. but then, you go outside, and all your appendages freeze instantly and fall off.

i'm obviously not leafleting today, because i want to live to leaflet another day. so, this afternoon, i'm going to make tons of road food for my upcoming tour of connecticut, pack my car, watch movies, and otherwise do everything in my power to not have to leave the house.

the library across the street is tempting, though. it has books, internet, heat, and a neverending parade of wacky allston residents. i might just conjure up enough motivation to wrap myself in several hundred layers of clothing and wander over there.

i've been a raw foodist for five days now. i have never felt more amazing. i sleep well at night, and i get up without a problem in the morning. i never feel terrible about the food i have just eaten (which too often included an entire bag of dumpstered cookies or half a cake). my body is using everything i'm putting into it, and i'm only putting into my body the stuff that it needs. i've been to the gym everyday since sunday and not only have been able to work out longer and harder, but i also feel incredible afterwards.

probably the most exciting part is the plethora of new foods and recipes i've been trying. i can't believe, despite being vegan, the miniscule amount of fresh, raw vegetables that were in my diet. it was a lot of carbs, albeit good ones, and it's been really nice to taste greens, cauliflower, avocados, and celery again. i made raw burgers with walnuts and carrots the other night, and yesterday i mashed cauliflower and cashews to make a faux mashed potatoes, which i topped with a portabella mushroom gravy. i've developed a taste for olives, which i never thought possible.

take a pitted date and put an almond into it. raw candy!

i'm going to plan to stay raw for the whole month of february, and then we'll see what happens after that. my biggest concern so far has been the cost, because i actually have to buy food now, instead of relying on what we find in the dumpsters. granted, i'm still at about 60% recycled food, but when i need two cups of cashews for one recipe or two packages of dates in order to get me through the weekend, it adds up.

and speaking of this weekend, i'm off to new jersey, where i'll get to have lunch with my friend eileen, crush my friend alan in tetris, and table for vegan outreach at my friend kyle's show. then i'll be in connecticut for a week, leafleting with a group of volunteers who make life worth living.

hopefully, it will be warmer than this. onward to the library.

_________

01.20.2007
9:17pm

thank goodness for timely correspondence. i was beginning to feel a little desperate, and dangerous, impossible crushes were fast becoming unhealthy preoccupations.

now i have something real to contemplate.

... sort of.

i made the mistake of reading an old inscription in a book of poems that was given to me on my birthday several years ago, and it hit me like a brick: there's an absence of love, real love, in my life. sure, i love my family and friends, and i love my cats, and i love the fact that i found a whole vegan pizza in the dumpster last night. but i'm missing the kind of love that holds you close after an emotionally exhausting day and reminds you that the sun will rise again. the kind that makes you want to sleep in late and never get out of bed, a tangle of legs and arms and blankets. it's been a lot of years since i tasted that kind of love.

and, unfortunately, pizza doesn't do that.

i can see something like it, though, the start of something wonderful, on the horizon, but as luck would have it, it's just out of my reach. just like it's always been.

what i need is someone who respects and understands my desire to eliminate some of the world's suffering, and maybe even does his part to eliminate some as well. someone who supports me despite the fact that my mind changes at the drop of the hat and that i have no idea where i'm going to be or going to want to be in six months' time. someone who not only goes to the gym with me, but who doesn't mind seeing me at my grossest. someone whose own ideas of beauty and gender roles and femininity and contemporary society mirror my own alternative views. someone who will leaflet or volunteer or protest with me, or, better yet, who wants me to leaflet or volunteer or protest with him.

if that sounds like a tall order, it's because it is. but i've realized that i'm way more willing to wait for perfection than settle for something fleeting.

i've jumped out of a plane before; the jumping is the hardest part. the rest is just a beautiful, exhilarating, terrifying freefall. let's enjoy the view and figure out the landing when we get there.

and i have seen the sunrise
over the river, the freeway,
reminding me of this mess we're in again,
and the city sun sets over me.

_________

01.17.2006
2:09am

hey, it's steve gilly's birthday today. it's totally weird that i know that.

things about which i was excited a month ago? not so much anymore. i am a fickle bitch.

listen to me giggle like an idiot and gush about my job on erik's diner: http://vegan.com/?p=206

my latest obsession is '80s power-pop. don't laugh.

i am going raw on monday, for as long as i can stand it. hopefully forever. wish me luck.

_________

01.14.2007
2:06am

i'm not in any hurry or anything. i've got all the time in the world.

but the silence is so draining.

_________

01.11.2007
6:20pm

the drive back to boston was treacherous. it looked pleasant enough when i left new york, but about halfway home i was annihilated by blizzards that just wouldn't quit. i was thinking that if i died, though, it would be an okay note on which to go out: i had just spent an incredible day with some of my dearest and some of my newest friends, chomping on sushi and exploring what just may be the coolest museum in the world. i'd even learned how to tie a necktie and got a new fedora! things were looking up.

obviously, my car did not careen off the road nor did i get buried in any central new york avalanches. i live to blog another day.

and anyway, that's kind of a good thing, because i still have some loose ends to tie up.

i was listening to the ''rent'' soundtrack in between audiobooks, and when ''without you'' came on, my heart kind of imploded. i remember at least two occassions on which i listened to that track, wistfully, over and over again until the pain in my chest finally waned enough for me to get up and do something else. i can think of one of them right now, actually: legs crossed underneath me, sitting at my kitchen table on wellesley street, staring out at a gray may afternoon with my laptop in front of me, blaring the notes of that familiar tune, while john gently suggests that it's ''time for a new song.'' it never fails to elicit a ridiculously emotional response from me for moments that, in retrospect, weren't really that heartrending. maybe i'm just nostalgic? especially sensitive? female?

well, i'm back in boston, at any rate. and the pile of work to be done just keeps growing. i'm going to set the cd on repeat and get cracking... hopefully, i won't turn into a weepy mess before my inbox is emptied.

_________

01.09.2007
12:54am

florida photodump.

i talked to my boss tonight, and i'm feeling much better. i also feel better because, on the plane home, the sunset and the city lights and the huge moon cast a light on the world that didn't seem so bleak.

yes, this too shall pass.

_________

01.08.2006
7:56pm

the weight of the world is so heavy on my shoulders. why do i feel sometimes like i'm the only person who carries it?

i'm feeling like i can't survive on the work i am doing for the animals. it's the best work in the world, but it's draining, and it's just not sustainable. i don't have connections who can give me free rent. i'm expected to live and work in the most expensive city in the country. i have two cats who are getting really fed up with constantly having to be put in boxes and dragged around the country. and, get this: i just got word that the job wants to keep me around for another year. so now i've got decisions.

the rub is, my company has been given enough money to bring on another person but doesn't have enough to pay me a living wage. other jobs with salaries on which i could actually survive don't accomplish nearly enough for the animals. i don't understand.

i also hate how my efforts to not fill my body with chemicals have resulted in my body rebelling against my new au naturel policy. i stopped taking birth control and now my skin is a disaster zone. i want to go back on but hate the fact that i need the animal-tested, animal-derived medication to feel good about myself. also, i can't afford it.

and is anyone else utterly terrified that it's 70F in boston, massachusetts in the middle of january? pieces of the north american continent are melting into the ocean and fucking everything up, but does anyone go vegetarian? does anyone stop driving their sport utility vehicles? does anyone bother to turn off a light when they leave the room?

i'm so... tired.

i know i'm only twenty-one, and i don't know shit about shit. but the way i'm feeling -- the heavy, stabbing feeling in my guts -- that's a universal sensation. i can't just write it off because i'm inexperienced or self-involved.

this too shall pass?

i hate that i can see happiness on the horizon, but, as always, circumstance is fucking it up. i wish everything didn't feel so life or death. but today, riding the moving walkway at the airport, thinking about all of the bizarre happenings of the past few days, i was in agony.

i'll be home from florida in a few hours. photos to come. a little sunshine in the midst of what seems like miles of dark clouds.

don't worry. i can cry enough for the both of us.

so baby make it with me
in preparation for tonight
we've got so much to leave
but that's not what makes this right
we've been building up steam
ignited by this fight
so, do this thing with me
instead of tying on a tight one tonight

_________

01.03.2007
6:47pm

the humane society of the united states just won a cage-free campaign against boston-based finagle-a-bagel in under two days. TWO DAYS. that's fucking ridiculous. don't let anyone ever tell you that a phone call or an email can't make a difference for the animals, because it can.

onward to florida!

_________

01.03.2007
12:59am

some random thoughts from this evening:

i saw "the history boys" tonight, and i've come to the conclusion that it's nearly impossible to take a good play and make it into a good film. while an incredible series of monologues can carry any stage show, they seem to have the opposite effect on a movie. all that talking drags a film on and on. i've never seen the history boys on stage, but it was obvious that it would make a downright amazing show. the movie? it struggled to hold my interest.

i like the way street lights illuminate the world at night. pete turner's "times square" is one of the most beautiful photos i've seen in a long time. (rafael and i went to the eastman house today.) and tonight, as i was stopped on my drive home from the aforementioned film, i watched the green-then-yellow-then-red stoplight splash transluscent color onto a swinging sign, and it fascinated me for the duration of my wait. ever since i studied photography -- and maybe even before that? -- i notice the way that light falls onto objects. i wonder if anyone else does, too?

i am starting a collection of non-relationships! there seems to be something impeding my progress with people in every direction, and it's so weird. i've never felt so stifled, but there are plenty of other things keeping me busy -- like my return to the world of animal advocacy today (did i ever really leave it?) -- so i don't have the time to worry. oh well. things will fall into place as they should. i'm convinced of it. and until that happens, i'm just going to keep rolling with the punches.

have you ever known me to do anything else?

so this is the new year,
and i have no resolutions
for self-assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions

_________

01.02.2007
8:36pm

so, another 365 days have gone by. i am older, wiser, and more excited about life than ever before.

but for those of you who want to live in the past, it's just a click away.

new year's photos can be found in the myspace photoblog i've started.

happy 2k7. bring it.